Anxiety runs in my family.
My dad and his brothers have it,
My sister and brother do.
I always thought the gene skipped me.
Until sophomore year.
A combination of lost friends and new stresses Triggered something inside of me that I had never felt before.
True, irrational, panic.
This panic turns me into something that I didn’t believe was possible.
I’m obsessive, and Shaky,
I become a fly in a jar, hitting the glass that i put myself in over and over again
I over analyze.
I watch every movement,
Count every breath.
I Recored every word ever spoken to me with a dirty dusty tape recorder,
Scared to breathe wrong scared to say something wrong
Because what if people don’t actually like me?
What if there is something wrong with me?
What if I’m right? I’m so wrapped up in my own toxicity that I can’t see a good thing when I got it.
I get home and pour over my recordings, not even sure if i have the right words or if I’m inventing them.
My throat closes.
My head hurts and I think I’m going to be sick.
I can’t breath I cant breath i cant breathe i cant breathe
I placed a bag over my head to hide but the plastic found its way into my mouth
And down my throat
Where it wrapped around my lungs.
Each inhale aches
Each exhale burns.
And I know its irrational
Im overthinking and its not true but my heart is a rebellious teenager that refuses to listen.
And I don’t want to seem weak so I just try to deal and hope it goes away.
Its not going away.
The I’m trapped here.
Im trapped here Im trapped here im trapped here im trapped here im trapped here.
The lid of my jar is tighter than before
I’m hitting the glass, desperate to get out but
How do you escape your own mind? How do you solve problems you created yourself?
The plastic is burning.
And I’m quitting.
I’m throwing my hands up in the air because
And no matter how many times you tell me it’s irrational
The panic will stay.
It will always stay.
hi sorry rewrite of don’t come ummm yeah anyway had the courage to share after a good friend of mine and I chatted. So yeah anyway hi bye.