Once upon a time there was a Princess.
She lived her life locked away in a tower.
This tower had twisted, tangled, and thorny vines that wrapped all the way around , making it seem like escape was impossible.
This princess is me.
And the tower is my monster.
It started when I was in elementary school.
I was constantly left behind from my friends; I remember one time they were mad at me so I ate lunch alone for two weeks.
Over and over and over in my head I repeated,
“You’re not enough, there is something wrong with you.”
Over and over and over and over.
“You’re not enough.”
“There is something wrong with you.”
But feelings to me meant bad so I shoved them down, and it was fine.
I was fine. As long as I didn’t feel anything but happy I was fine. It was normal. I was normal.
Junior High was fine. It was safe, I was safe, I had nice friends, I fit in.
It was safe.
It was a world of ok this is who I am and this is what I know and this is where I stand.
But Junior high had to end, and unfortunately so did the security it brought.
High school….was a whole new world.
I started with three really good friends; we did everything together.
Football games, shopping, soccer games, movie nights, anything that could have been done in a group we did it.
It was normal, it was fine, I was happy. I mean every once and awhile the thoughts would come back, but I was pretty good about hiding it.
“You are not enough. There is something wrong with you.”
Unknowingly, the vines to my tower grew higher and higher, the thorns and twisted branches reaching so high up the tower that there was no sunlight. No goodness.
“There is something wrong with you.”
Then things started to change.
It was slow at first, but then they began to eat lunch somewhere new without telling me.
Not enough not enough not enough not enough not enough.
I was a balloon and every time I didn’t pass a test a little air was let out of me until I was smaller than I had ever been.
Something wrong something wrong something wrong something wrong something wrong.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.
Looking into the mirror had become something I hated.
I hated seeing my reflection in the mirror when all I could think when I saw it was you are not enough. You are ugly you are wrong.
I thought maybe if I change who I was, changed to be more like them they would like me more. They would see me.
So I lied. I pretended I was something I wasn’t.
I was like a sheep wearing wolf’s clothing.
Constantly lying to fit into their standards and every time I changed and they did nothing, the vines around my tower crept higher and higher and higher.
At first no one noticed.
No one saw me avoiding the mirrors, no one saw me shrink away from Its laughter when I dared a glance.
But after a month or two, my mom noticed.
She asked me and I told her everything.
It was like once I got started I couldn’t stop.
“Just tell them” She told me after I finished word vomiting my feelings to her. “Tell them how they are making you feel. Tell them you’re feeling like crap. Tell them. If they don’t change what they are doing, then you shouldn’t be friends with them. And if they really are your friends they’ll fix it.”
At first I was appalled. Why on earth would I tell them?
So I didn’t.
And the longer I didn’t the higher the vines climbed, layers on layers building leaving me trapped.
Not enough not enough not enough not enough.
So finally, I said ok. Ok. I’ll tell them. I couldn’t keep doubting myself because each time I did the worse I felt and the more I hated myself.
“Hey…the way you guys are treating me is making me feel very alone and bad about myself. So can we work on it? Can you stop treating me like this?”
Of course they nodded and smiled and told me they were so so sorry and they would never hurt me like that again.
Empty promises escaped from their lips but I was so excited they listened that I didn’t care.
I thought I had gotten the right weed killer this time.
Not enough not enough not enough
Nothing changed of course.
You can’t make someone change, no matter how hard you try.
The only person who you can change is yourself, and I realized that if I couldn’t change them, I could change the situation i was in.
It was like someone turned the light on in a dark room.
So I changed it.
I told them I didn’t want to be their friend anymore and I wasn’t taking anymore of their crap.
The vines weren’t gone and my tower was still as high as ever but this time I realized that I could take it down without weed killer.
So the princess took her kitchen knife.
Sharpened it with quotes and help and love
And she took the dark thorny vines and she hacked them to pieces.
She hacked the vines that covered her window to bits until the sunlight shined in. <Alliteration
And as she took in the promise and potential that blue sky gave her, she told herself she would never do it again.
She made a rope of positive thinking and telling herself that she was enough and
There was nothing wrong with her.
She was who she needed to be.
And with that rope she climbed out of her tower and she escaped the vines that told her that she wasn’t enough.
The princess saved herself.
And she wasn’t going back.
There were times when the princess felt the shadows of the words haunting her,
You are not enough
There is something wrong with you
But then she’d smile to mirror that had become her friend, and shake her head.
Because she had been saved.
She was a hero.
Because being a hero doesn’t always mean saving a million people.
It can be saving one.
And it’s ok if that one person is yourself.
Picture is not mine lololololololololol but the words are anyway um you are all heroes and don’t forget that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone but your self and sorry this is kinda long but its my story 🙂 THANKS LOVELIES ILY
Ramblings 