It is a common fact that certain traits are passed through generations.
A random mixture of genes have determined that many members of my family are effected by this disease.
My dad and his brothers have it
My little brother and sister have it.
I thought it skipped me.
until Two years ago when a combination of lost friends and new stresses triggered
True, irrational, panic.
I transform into
a fly in a jar hitting the glass that I put myself in over and over again.
I over analyze.
I watch every movement,
Count every breath
I record every word ever spoken to me with a dusty old tape recorder,
Scared to breathe wrong scared to say something wrong
Because what if people don’t actually like me?
What if there is something wrong with me?
What if I’m right?
I’m so wrapped up in my own toxicity that I can’t see a good thing when I got it.
I get home and pour over my recordings, not even sure if people are actually saying these things or if the static in my brain is mixing up their signals.
My throat closes.
The buzzing noise of my distress is getting louder
I’m screaming and hitting the sides of my jar over and over again
I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe i can’t breathe
I placed a bag over my head to hide but the plastic found its way into my mouth
And down my throat
Where it wrapped around my lungs.
Each inhale and exhale cause a stabbing pain that wrecks my chest.
I know it’s irrational
Im overthinking and its not true but my heart is a rebellious teenager that refuses to listen.
I don’t want to seem weak so I just try to deal and hope it goes away.
It’s not going away.
I’m trapped here i’m trapped here i am trapped here i’m trapped here i am trapped here.
The lid of my jar is tighter than before
the glass is closing in
I’m even more desperate to get out but how do you escape your own mind?
How do you solve problems you created yourself?
The plastic is burning.
There isn’t enough oxygen in this air tight jar so
I am throwing my hands up in the air because
I
CANNOT
BREATHE.
hi sorry rewrite of don’t come ummm yeah anyway had the courage to share after a good friend of mine and I chatted. So yeah anyway hi bye.
Ramblings 